High blood pressure made its debut 7 years ago when I was pregnant with my twins and developing preeclampsia. A day before they were born via necessary c-section I laid in bed thinking that I felt like the life was being sucked out of me. With my enormous belly I rolled myself out of bed and hobbled over to the computer as my husband slept. I researched my symptoms and realized I was experiencing high blood pressure.
After having my kids my blood pressure took a few months to stabilize. Then, each time I visited a doctor’s office they would check it and find it sometimes in normal range and sometimes in prehypertensive range.
During the last year I felt a terrible range of symptoms anytime stress was present (and if you are me, that is quite often). I could hardly explain my symptoms except to say that I felt once again that my life was draining from me. I’m known for my dramatic interpretations of things but at times I’d really clutch my chest and wonder why I felt like my heart was stressed, literally.
Recently, I’ve been going to bed later and sometimes finding myself dehydrated. It’s easy to neglect self-care if it comes on gradually. So although my decline in health appeared sudden, in wasn’t. I should probably expect the recovery to take equal time.
I came home from a cross country trip in a panic a few weeks ago. For months I’d been struggling with an irrational but growing fear of type 1 diabetes in my son and before I boarded my last plane home, my husband informed me that our son spent the last few hours vomiting. I had a panic attack on the plane. When the plane landed my husband let me know that my type 1 diabetic sister, Ana checked our son’s blood sugar and he was 96. I felt relieved in my mind but my body was still in panic mode.
When I got home there was an ambulance in my driveway. I felt a squeeze in my chest. My pulse was off the charts. I ran into the house to find out my son was fine. My husband had felt worried and unsure about how our son was doing and since I wasn’t there he called paramedics to help him. No sign of dehydration. Perhaps a stomach virus or food poisoning. We were to keep him hydrated.
I stayed up with my son that night and went to sleep at 5am. I knew I was abusing my body but I couldn’t figure out how to be a good mom and a person who could take care of herself at that moment. I had to defer to the next evening when my husband got home from work and I got myself to a clinic to get checked out since I also had symptoms of a possible blood clot from my flight. My electrolytes and kidneys were tested and in fine condition. My pulse was about 120 and my blood pressure 188/105. The doctor couldn’t understand why at 33, I’d have such high blood pressure. My BMI is 23% and I exercise nearly each day. I eat very well. My A1c stays between 5.4 and 6.1.
I did lose my grandfather when I was very young to a stroke and my aunt has had high blood pressure since her 20s. On the other side my grandmother has had high blood pressure for a long time. So I suppose I am predisposed. I have lived with type 1 diabetes for 21 years which is an undeniable stress when not managed well.
Fast forward a few weeks. I’m on blood pressure medication. My dad turns 60 the same month I turned 33 and I have asked myself several times, “Am I going to make it to 60?” I know I probably will but my concern is the state of health I will be in at that point. I am the most stubborn person you will meet. I want to be relatively healthy or not be at all. Yes, I just said that. I think it is a comment completely and utterly based on fear and past experience. I’ve already had a hard time and things will probably get worse? How do I mentally manage that possibility? Are these feelings normal? Do I have some kind of diabetes burnout?
My plan is to sleep well, take deep breathes, practice more gratitude, keep exercising, keep eating well, entirely avoid coffee and alcohol, and try to accept that I need blood pressure meds and that maybe I have done an ok job and things just happen. I see a doctor soon to talk about my anxiety and blood pressure.
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